是泪吗？

半夜一点，吃着超辣的韩国泡面。
的确很辣。

吃着吃着， 眼泪开始掉落。
可是我却不知道这眼泪是因为辣，还是另有原因？

P.S. 半夜三更吃东西，不肥才怪！！ =___=

i think it's time to have "less talk , more work"

不知道为什么，这几天都好颓废。
已经快要变成肉粽了咯我。。 =_=

不懂为什么，一直无法开心起来。
总觉得很不舒服， 没有办法痛快地发泄。

好几次我突然发觉我可以坐着好久的时间，就只在那里发呆。
不明白我到底怎么了。 *会有抓破头的冲动*

不过看来现在是时候不出声一阵子了。 *zipp*

so close. yet so far.

总觉得最近活得很没意义。
我知道自己的身体在思考，在凭直觉行动。
可是为什么还是无法让自己活出自我？
想哭， 可是哭不出。 =_=
想醉， 却怎么喝都醉不了。


为什么，明明近在眼前的东西。。
却怎么努力去抓也抓不到？

I cried.

how many.

how many fake smiles have i pulled?
how many forced laugh have i threw?
how many times have i lied to my own feelings?
how many times have i swallowed my hatred?
how many times have i said "oh im fine." when im actually deeply hurt?
how many times have i fell, but pretend as nothing has happened?
how many times have i been stab, but have to keep the prick in me?
how many times have i cried to myself?

i'll leave this blank..

Am i needed?
needed by who?
needed for what?
worthy for being needed?
allowed to be needed?

Orz.

最近精神有点绷紧，造成整个人情绪不太稳定。

有了久违的想哭的冲动。。













脑海里想的还是你。。

...(想不出...)

刚才，去了一豪的追思会.
前面的一个小时半，　听了好多人的致辞，　眼睛一直湿湿的，
可是一直强忍着不让它流出来。。



可是，听了家杰的致词后，我眼睛都没眨，就流出两条泪痕。
还好没开灯，我一直盯着银幕，　泪水也一直滑落。

一毫，　又称“光头仔一豪＂．．
你最近好吗？








today was the day that you've been looking forward to.
that's why i didn't tell you how i felt and kept smiling.
because as long as you're happy, that's enough for me.

exam coming.. @_@

well, in a few days time the UEC is coming.
omg, im starting to feel gan cheong about it but my body is still lazy to move. =_=
i actually did my studies. but i dont know if its enough to handle the exam.
and to be honest im thinking about things after the exam.

recently my thoughts have been weird.
一直胡思乱想..
要怎么办才好啊。。 haihz..

but no matter what it is, i wont back off this time.
(i guess. =P)
that's all for now. see what's there to write after the exam.

Peace People! =)









当我听到你的笑声，我所有的疲劳都不翼而飞了。

neck pain!! T_T

aih, today dunno wad was wrong, my neck hurts like hell.. cant twist or turn my neck.

so when i walk, 整个人好像 T 字形 酱...

even looked like a robot when im standing.. ==

but then studies went well today, i guess.

except for my neck that is.. >_<

today, felt kinda carefree. tried to see things differently, learned more about letting go..

so eventually felt more refreshed. haha. =)

but i also saw many things that happened to people around me. and i kept wondering what should i do? what can i do?

so i'll wish for people to be happy. =D

知道你笑了，我自己也跟着笑了。

呼~

累，　是唯一可以形容现在的我的一个字。

最近太多事情发生了，说真的有好多我都还不能接受。

遇到如此多的事情，还是必须要笑，所以我依然把笑容带在嘴边，可是我心里真的笑不出。

晓薇教我，这就是强颜欢笑。

我有一个学长，大我两岁，之前还在美国留学呢。他真的是超强的。

可是，两天前我被通知，“一豪不在了。”

我当时真的呆住了。

说不出半句话。

初中的时候，我便一直很仰慕他。

他为人好好，而且文武双全。

从打球认识后，我便对他有深刻的印象，就觉得他好亮眼，好想和他参在一起。

而他也没有排撤我耶，还会教我很多不同的东西，教我做人要有什么态度。。

让我真地把它当成哥哥一样。一位理想的哥哥。　

可是现在他不在了。

我本来还想说，能不能在园游会上看到他。

能不能一起去喝茶。

能不能。。　再一次和他打篮球。。

现在这一切都不能实现了。

我觉得好遗憾，我好久没和他对话了，而且再也没得和他对话了。。

在他的 facebook上看到他的照片时，看到一张有着他的招牌笑容。

点到这一页，　我的眼睛就不听话了。

为什么要让他就这样离开。。为什么。。

能把时间倒流吗？好想再一次看到他，然后一起做一些白痴行为. 这样的要求很过分吗？

一豪，安息吧。

Was it the right choice?

muahaha. trials are over and the UEC is what that's left.

honestly i don't dare to look at my results eh.. =_=

rest liao 2 days, i hope im feeling better liao.

but thought of many things recently..

hmm.. i wonder why between classmates people would rather only think for their own.

saying things that only you are happy about.

and go on a rampage when things are not your way.

how am i supposed to treat this kind of people?

i still think about being a friend, hoping that people will change for the better .

but i think that's juz a dream.

really i feel sad.

i can see how other classes are enjoying, sharing between their classmates.

they really act as a team.

but us, everyone has their own idea, everyone thinks for their own.

why cant we tolerate more among ourselves?

juz a small change from everyone and we too can have a really great time.

why hold a grudge?

its not like he/she killed someone you love?!

why must we keep remembering what damage people has caused to us and not what damage we have cause to others?

I really starting to regret, well juz by a little and i don't know if it'll grow..

is choosing to study form 6 a bad idea?

够了...

我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...我受够了...

我受够了...

*Pumped up, ready to berusaha*... * out of breathe* ... *tried to push on* .. * gave up*

... ok.. this post takes alot of courage to write. (of coz la, having trials still on the com.==)

recently, i don't know why. feel a little moody. although i know i shouldn't be coz exams are here.

i shouldn't give myself time to sulk. but i just can't. ><

keep having this feeling.
that i have so many things i would like to do.

but, can i really do that?

saw some people who became a celebrity by doing the things he / she loves, and enjoying it much.

do i also get the chance to enjoy doing the things i like?

it really seems so far.. *rolling on the floor crying. LOL*

feels like im out of battery.

becoz i cant find my charger! Grr..

see so many friends moving forward. while im still stuck here doing something.. err , "special" . ^^v

that really make me wanna scream out loud, but i couldn't. (coz i might get grounded for making too much noise)

even tried to change myself. but then when i do so things just do work out fine. @@

i kept thinking about what i might bcome in the future.

but there seems to be alot of cages and traps.

sometimes i really feel like complaining. ( ok, i know that i should'nt.. ><)

coz my parents keep restricting me from this and that and this and that and this.. ==

for example to not be able to have my driving license at this age.

ok. i know im only making a fuzz. but its just that there are things that can keep me motivated and things that pull me down.

and the ratio happens to 1:10 .. ==

i kept trying to make myself cheer up and recharge my heart battery, but got charger no plug.

the smile is always there on my face, but i dunno if its real. sigh.

ohh yea. now time to say the fun part. recently i've been practicing my japanese language skills with my sensei. wahaha. so much fun when we ALWAYS don't understand each other. LOL. XD

and then she told me that i was speaking in Osaka slang while she's speaking Tokyo slang. ^^v

This makes me wanna travel to Japan for once. TT

well.. trials are going to end by this saturday, yet so i'll have to be preparing for the real thing.

learnt that there are things to pick up and things to let go.

Lets see if i can do it right.

Peace people! =D

Desho??

ああ！watashi wa no baka desu!!

Kanashii... ==

我可以哭吗？Orz

最近，好多事情在发生。
所谓一波未平， 一波又起。

我真的开始失控了。
我真的不知道该怎么做。

心里想的一切一切，该对谁说？
心里的挣扎， 要怎么去抚平？

别人有不开心时， 我都会用心去对待，用心去听。
一心只想着 “只要你觉得好些，什么都不重要”。
可是，当我失落时，“朋友” 们去了哪里？
平时是讲得很好听，　让我相信了。
可是当我最需要一双耳朵时，　我的存在却消失了。
最搞笑的是，　我在难过的时候竟然还会不自主地去协助他人！！OMG!! ==


有时我在想， “朋友” 这个字是不是变装了的“敌人”？
总觉得每个人都只在为自己的利益着想。
那我不就是全宇宙最笨的那个？






说真的，我好想痛痛快快地哭出来。
然后我就能继续加油。
可是我忘了要怎么哭了。

Empty..

recently, got hooked up with The Click Five's "Empty"..
sometimes it juz feels like this song sings it all..

有时真的会觉得自己好像与一切脱离， 可是又不知道为什么会这样。
只要排除一切不好的情绪， 剩下的就只有空洞。

i got really annoyed..

haha.. shelvin said i've been putting her name in my posts and honestly i didn't notice!! ^^V
i guess that really shows her great charisma. ^^
and now im going to put her name here again.. XD
i got carried away by 晓薇的动力.. and things became easy for a short while..
but just moments ago i got really annoyed..==

dad says he's gonna bring us to shanghai for the expo.
but i said i didn't want to.

bcoz exams are drawing closer.. and i had the chance to be a compere in the english singing competition. people are expecting me for the 1st time and i was so looking forward to it.
but 5 minutes ago i was told that my flight ticket was booked and i have no choice but to go.
its really mind blowing.
i stated it clear that i didn't want to go.
but now how do you explain this??
does that mean you don't respect my feelings at all?
you said you've talked to me about this , yeah like that's true.
even if you did so, i reminded you that i didn't want to go yet you still booked my ticket, forcing me to go.. is this even fair??!!

i can understand that the expo comes in really rare, but my secondary school life comes only ONCE in a lifetime!!
telling me craps like " studying at home would be fine as well..", " its only for a few days.."
dang! then why did i had to go to school in the 1st place?
i might as well did home schooling!!

plus you sounded like its nothing , like i'll tolerate with you and do whatever you say. like hell i would .
and you even tried to throw your temper on me using my reasons for not going?
im not a robot born to obey orders!!


now what am i supposed to do...

Anger?

after seeing shelvin's comment i had the urge to come here again. lolx.
but juz moments ago. there's was an explosion between mah parents. ==
they argued and argued and argued and argue.. ( u get the point..)

then i really felt fed up.
you are actually fighting over the smallest thing in the world that shud be tolerated. ==
who knew that u 2 were the ones who told me not to get angry easily. WTH..

then, someone appeared in my mind.
there was this friend of mine, a friend who was once real close to me.
we started knowing each other since January.

we got close eventually.
helping each other out and sharing joy and hard times.
there was a lot of good time.
times which i cherish alot.

but then in an incident which i had totally no clue about.
we started to become like strangers.

there was once when we were trying to sort things out with the organizer of the inter futsal competition.
they way they do things was just too much.
so i decided to act like i was angry.
because i know the PIC dun really talk sense when things are pointed to him.

since then , we became stranger-like.

after asking a few times i was told that my temper was bad.
at 1st i was confused and started thinking what was the problem. and then i started to be more aware of my own temper lo.
i was taught to not get angry easily again.

and ever since, we din really talked. more like i tried to talk but all i got was an empty reply.
when i ask about the reasons why this happened, all i got was " you wouldn't understand .."
then why not tell me so i could change???

then, few days later...
this friend got furious and shouted to the whole class. ==

i was shocked that i actually jumped. ><
then my mind was like " you told me not to be angry and now this? "

i really dun understand.
what gives a person reason to be angry?

My tear glands dried up.

Things keep happening recently.
good and bad they kept a cycle.
and people used to think its nothing but a natural phenomenon.

but for me, i've tried to see things at the 4th angle.
and i see things i never thought i'd see.
i see things that hurt being more superior to things that are happy.

i want to cry.
but i just cant.
because..
i have no tears left.

How should i think?

After reading Siao Wei's blog, i feel like putting up a post myself. =P

Today was the end of my last mid year exam..
without doubt, i still screwed it. ==
Now really is a critical situation.. i dun wanna end up CANNOT GRADUATE! >< *Nooooo* muz work hard and hard and hard and hard and hard and hard and.. *aiya understood de lar. lazy. ==*

i've actually been sulking for a time now..
and i dun really have a clue how to get over it. *sigh*
i've never been someone whos good at talking..
but is that a sufficient reason for one to be abandoned?

honestly i couldn't help to feel cold. and no matter how hard i try i cant start a fire to warm myself.
Loneliness creeps into me whenever i close my eyes at night.
It really.. driving .. me.. crazy.


to be truthful sometimes i wished i wasn't here in this world.

gonna grab some sleep. continue later. =P